Management Lessons
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered:
"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow,
and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up.
------------------------------
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed
the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally
after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey
out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there.
------------------------------
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole
body's responses and functions."
The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get
him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all
the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until
finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands
clenched, the feet witched, the heart and lungs began to panic and
the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just
sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
------------------------------
Lesson Number Four
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize
how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm
and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
---J---
dog dead
A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was
not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief
examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman
asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is
one more thing we can do."
He left the room for a moment and came back carrying
a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the
dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it." the vet
announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he
possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"$330, I don't believe it!!!", screamed the
woman. "What did you do that cost $330???"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for
the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
Subject: Standard English
The European Commission has announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the
other contender.
Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s"
will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for
joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", which should
klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with
"f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse
of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent
"e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be
reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w"
with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary
"o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of
kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to
understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI CUM TRU !
Herr Schmidt
What is a plastic surgeon ?
He is a surgeon who will only operate on you after he sees
your CREDIT CARD !!
Email
from Rumania:
Now that you in Britain have chosen a new government,
Can we have the one that you didn’t want !
Blind man
- There was this girl having a bath, when she heard a knock on
the door,
- Who is it ?
- It's the blind man, can I come in ?
- She thought for a bit, then conceded - what the hell, OK
- He comes in and says: nice tits, where do you want me to
hang the blinds !!
a scene at the bar
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman proceeded
to enter a pub and takeseats at the bar where they all ordered pints of stout. The
bartender delivered the pints and as they were settling, a swarm of flies entered the bar
and several proceeded to land in each of the pints.
The Englishman looked into his pint and totally appalled, pushed it across
the bar and refused to drink it.
The Scotsman looked into his pint, reached in and scooped out the flies
andproceeded to drink what he viewed as an otherwise perfectly fine pint of stout.
The Irishman looked into his pint, reached in and scooped out the flies
and proceeded to shake them above the glass shouting "spit it out ye little bastards,
spit it out!"
Furniture shop, guarantee
advert:
" WE STAND BEHIND EVERY BED WE SELL
" !!!!
Outside the Manila Hotel, three Japanese tourists got in a
cab and told the driver to take them to the airport. On their way, a car zoomed by and one
Japanese goes "Aaah Toyota, made in Japan...very faaast!"
And then another car zooms by and the second Japanese goes "Aaah Nissan, made in
Japan...very faaast!" And then the third one, "Aaah Mitsubishi,
made in Japan...very faaast!"
By this time the cab driver was getting tired of his passengers' chauvinistic pride.
Upon arriving at the airport the cabbie tells his passengers "200 dollars
please."
The Japanese go "200 dollar? It's not that far from the hotel!"
The cabbie's reply: "Aaah, taxi meter, made in Japan....very, very faaast
"
A HAIRY EXPERIENCE
A Frenchman was visiting New York City on a particularly
windy day.
As he was standing by a bus stop waiting for the bus, the wind raised the skirt of a nice
American lady standing near him.
He smiled at her (wanting to make conversation) and said,
"It's hairy, isn't it?" (What he meant to say was "It's airy").
The American lady got mad and hit him with her umbrella and
said, "Well, what did you expect - feathers?!!!"
TOOTHPICK MYSTERY
Don Juan always uses a toothpick after meals but everytime
he needs one he finds the box empty.
One day he got really furious when he didn't find any
toothpicks again. So he called all his servants in and asked them "Who has been using
up all my toothpicks?"
His valet, Pedro, replied "Not me, Sir, I always put
it back after using it!"
The Spice Girls
Some say, if you give them a Penney for their
thoughts,
you get some change back !
Learn Chinese
| [English Phrase] |
[Chinese
Interpretation] |
| Are you harbouring
a fugitive? |
Hu Yu Hai Ding? |
| See me A.S.A.P. |
Kum Hia Nao |
| Stupid Man |
Dum Gai |
| Small Horse |
Tai Ni Po Ni |
| Did you go to the
beach? |
Wai Yu So Tan? |
| I bumped into a
coffee table |
Ai Bang Mai Ni |
| I think you need a
facelift |
Chin Tu Fat |
| It's very dark in
here |
Wai So Dim? |
| Has your flight
been delayed? |
Hao Long Wei Ting? |
| That was an
unauthorised execution |
Lin Ching |
| I thought you were
on a diet |
Wai Yu Mun Ching? |
| This is a tow away
zone |
No Pah King |
| Do you know the
lyrics to the Macarena? |
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? |
| You are not very
bright |
Yu So Dum |
| I got this for free |
Ai No Pei |
| I am not guilty |
Wai Hang Mi? |
| Please, stay a
while longer |
Wai Go Nao? |
| Our meeting was
scheduled for next week |
Wai Yu Kum Nao |
| They have arrived |
Hia Dei Kum |
| Stay out of sight |
Lei Lo |
| He's cleaning his
automobile |
Wa Shing Ka |
| Your body odor is
offensive |
Yu stin ki pu |
To Brazil
When a priest was asked what
made him decide to go to South America as a missionary,
He replied: well one day, as I was shopping a bar
of chocolate with the word Brazil on it took my notice and that is when I was convinced of
my vocation.
His friend replied,
well I wonder what would have been had you seen MARS bar !
No shit, Sherlock !
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson
went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and
millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked
Holmes
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow. But what does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke :
"Watson, you dickhead.
Some bastard has stolen our tent."
Food for thought !
They say:
its better to be happy than rich J
But I say :
there is no harm in being both
At the 1997 World Women's Conference,
the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last years conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well after the conference,
I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him
and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing.
After the second day, I saw nothing.
But after the third day,
I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last years' conference,
I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry
and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing.
After the second day, I saw nothing.
But after the third day,
I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well".
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Australia stood up:
"After last years' conference,
I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping
and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing.
After the second day, I saw nothing.
But after the third day,
I could see a little bit out
of my left eye."